My Need to Be a ‘Good Girl’ Has Sabotaged My Dating Life

I found it odd that Nick asked for our food to go. It was our second date—another day date, which I appreciated. I had left my apartment that afternoon thinking how refreshing it was to not have the pressure to immediately have sex. So I thought maybe he wanted to show me another place and was taking me there to eat.

A few blocks later, it dawned on me that that place was his apartment. My brain couldn’t seem to formulate a sentence to express that I didn’t want to go back to his place. As I climbed the stairs to his walk-up apartment, I kept telling myself it was no big deal, don’t be silly and say something. So I didn’t. And of course, within minutes, he carried me to his bed and we started making out. It continued, with me repeatedly telling him not to take my bra and tights off…until he said, “Let me show you where I’m ticklish,” took my hand, and started to guide it to his penis.
I jerked my hand away, muttering some feeble remark about why I had to leave.

We hadn’t done anything I was truly uncomfortable with, but I beat myself up the entire way home and for days after: I had let my drive to be considered a “good girl”—something I’ve started calling “good girl syndrome”—get the best of me with a guy. Again.
That incident made me pause and realize just how often I do whatever the guy wants, mumbling a “no” or “don’t” here or there when he pushes things farther than I want to go yet.

And as someone who thinks of herself as a strong, independent woman…what the fuck is wrong with me?! Why can’t I simply say, “I’m having a nice time, but I really need to get home” when I want a date to end or “I told you I don’t want to have sex, and you seem uncomfortable with that, so I’m going to leave” when a guy can’t meet me at my comfort level?

Turns out, many women have the same experience. The desire to be thought of as easygoing or being raised to be a “good girl” can make dating pretty complicated.

I’m not alone. “This is so common that it’s almost a cliché,” says psychologist and relationship expert Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author practicing in Los Angeles. “What saddens me is that, after all these years of women’s increasing independence and power, so many women still get stuck in good girl syndrome.”

There’s a lot that goes into it, she says. For one, you have to clearly know where you draw the line. And at this point in my life, I know what I want. I had the fun times with the bad-boy bartender, I had the sexcapade long weekend fling—now I’m nearing 32 and sex isn’t a just-for-fun thing anymore. I want a relationship. And clearly my current strategy isn’t helping.

For another, Davidson says, although social messages play a role in good girl syndrome, your psychological makeup also matters. No surprise, I’m a people pleaser. I want everyone to like me—even guys who prove to me that they are douchebags. I’ve always been like this, for several reasons.

My need to be a “good girl” goes way, way back. That’s part of the reason it’s been so hard to break, even as I’ve grown into a strong and independent woman.

While the stereotypical psychologist likes to blame your parents, I had a great childhood. Today I’m close with my parents, especially my mom. But my mom grew up in a less ideal situation and developed a fixer attitude—she’d try to do everything right to avoid any conflict or, if something happened, do anything to make it all better. No wonder I have followed in her footsteps and fear getting in trouble or upsetting others.

Some of that urge also comes from way back in my childhood, when I was about 3 or 4. My mom’s parents took me and my brother camping, and one night one of them yelled at me—as in all-out, I-could-kill-you-with-my-words yelling. I’ve blocked this out of my memory. But my mom told me a few years ago and said that, for her parents to own up to it, it had to be bad. I figure that’s where my fear of getting yelled at comes from, and also my need for approval. I sought out their love, but I was the grandchild who never got a second in the spotlight. They adored my brother and doted on my three cousins, all younger than me. Yet for years, I craved their love.

I also didn’t seem to register on guys’ radars until after college. I had crushes since kindergarten, but guys saw me as a friend and nothing more. I dated one guy my junior year of high school, but I only did so because I wanted a boyfriend—not because I wanted him as my boyfriend. And then, stellar man that he was, he told me one day that his friend had asked him, “Are you still dating that tight girl?”

I think that’s why sometimes I feel like I need to go along with what the guy wants, especially if it’s a seemingly minor thing. I “should” want to keep kissing goodbye, even if I don’t feel like it. I “should” want to grab takeout and go up to his apartment. I get nervous and feel like a loser to speak up over seemingly trivial things in those instances. And, because I need to be a good girl and get everyone’s approval, I have long lived believing that my feelings don’t matter.
But now I see that, not only am I wasting my time with guys that I wouldn’t want relationships with, I’m also giving men power. They’re not truly forcing me to do any of this—I’m failing to meet them with an equal amount of power and determination, Davidson points out. And yes, I am guilty of ranting to my friends with a “they’re the bad guy, I’m the innocent girl” angle.

To attract healthy relationships and set boundaries, I need to embrace my power, experts tell me. That doesn’t mean I have to become a different person—but I do need to take control.

So: How do I stop playing victim? How do I be the strong, independent woman I think of myself as? “Once an identity is stamped on you, everything else goes on autopilot,” Davidson says. “It becomes so automatic for a ‘good girl’ to avoid creating conflict that you stop thinking about what you really want. You don’t learn those skills.”

In order to change my identify, I need to learn new ways to function in those situations where I have the knee-jerk reaction to just “be good,” she adds. First, I need to see that I have power. Rather than letting the guy control the situation, I have to understand that I’m in control, I set the boundaries—will he respect them? If he can’t, fuck him.

“You will never find the right match if you can’t walk away from the wrong match,” Davidson says. It’s simple logic. And it makes me look desperate, although I’m not the type to settle.
Then, I don’t need to 180 and become a Sherman tank. I need to develop a way to express my needs and still be considerate of the guy’s feelings, Davidson says. She suggests I make a list of all my trigger situations, write scripts so that I have something to say, and then practice my lines in a mirror so I can check my body language and facial expressions.

In time, if something happens, my new default will be a well-thought answer rather than stumbling and seeming like I don’t know what I want. And, if I’m thrown a curve ball (like when my friend announced he was getting a divorce and—surprise!—we were on a date), I’ll at least have a concept of what to say and can ad lib.

I’ll have to step out of my comfort zone to change this habit, and I might not be great at it right away. But that’s OK.

I haven’t yet had a chance to try out my scripts (dating in NYC is another article altogether), but I know they’ll come in handy. Yet I also know it’s hard to break a bad habit. So I’ll also keep in mind what Davidson told me if I do resort back to “good girl” Brittany: “Beating yourself up is a waste of energy. When you do that, you’re telling yourself, ‘I wasn’t good enough. I have to be perfect’ in a way that’s still being a ‘good girl,’” she says. “Part of not a being good girl is knowing you screw up now and then, and it’s not a big deal. Learn something from it that helps you negotiate the next situation.”

So yeah, I fucked up with Nick. And many guys before him. But I can end this pattern and learn to stop being a good girl and value and vocalize my needs. And if a guy can’t deal with it, I’ll walk away. I am a strong, independent woman. I don’t need that shit.

Kim Kardashian Just Announced Her Own Beauty Line and We Are SHOOK

If the KKW x Kylie Cosmetics nude lipstick set wasn’t enough to satisfy your Kim Kardashian-approved makeup-loving heart, we have some major news for you. Kim Kardashian is launching her own beauty line aptly called KKW Beauty. Yup, this is really happening. Deep breaths, everyone. The mogul just took a break from posting adorable pictures of her children, selfies, and style shots on Instagram to make the big announcement. Without any prior teasers, she Instagrammed a trio of videos that show the numbers 06, 21, 17. The caption for all of them read, “@kkwbeauty.”

If you click over to the account under that name, you’ll find the same exact videos. The bio also connects the dots. It says, “SHOP 06.21.17.” Consider our calendars marked for June 21. (It’s only eight days away, but who’s counting?) The new @kkwbeauty already has 9,963 followers — and counting. Naturally, the brand-new account only follows Kim Kardashian herself. It also has a link to KKW Beauty’s official website. Here, you can sign up for the mailing list, so you can be one of the first people to find out what Kardashian’s new beauty brand holds. As for what we’re hoping for? Our fingers are crossed for a highlighter. Sure, we have a million in our beauty routine already, but none that truly have the Kim Kardashian seal of approval. A contouring kit might be in our future, too.

Could KKW Beauty be what Kardashian was hinting at last month? She did warn us with those little letters in the KKW x Kylie boxes that she has a surprise coming soon. We’ll just have to stay tuned to see if this is what she was referring to. In the meantime, we’ll be imagining our perfect KKW Beauty products — and keep you all updated accordingly.

@kkwbeauty

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Prepare to Lust After Urban Decay’s New Naked Heat Palette — Swatches Included!

Raise your hand if you blindly buy any and all Urban Decay palettes. (Raises hand.) For me, it doesn’t matter what shades come in the palettes, because I know that there will be several shades that flatter my eye color, even if every one isn’t the perfect match. As someone with hazel eyes, though, I’m psyched with the reveal of Naked Heat ($54), the newest addition to the Naked palette family, which includes varying shades of amber, orange, and sienna — all perfect for enhancing the green in my eye color. And it’s perfect timing, too: these shades are popular on Instagram and the red carpet.

The 12 new shades include En Fuego, a matte red; Ounce, an ivory shimmer; Sauced, a terra-cotta matte; and Ember, a deep metallic copper-burgundy. According to Urban Decay, this palette is the most “shade-driven” one the brand has done. It was built off the popularity of shades from other palettes, like Bitter from Vice4.

If you want to try the fiery trend but aren’t in the market for another palette, the brand also launched three new limited-edition Vice Lipsticks ($17) and two 24/7 Glide-On Eye Pencils ($20) to correspond with the eye shadow. Note that this is the first time UD has done something like this — releasing a palette and other products inspired by it at the same time! The warmer lipstick shades include Fuel, Heat, and Scorched, plus Alkaline and Torch liners.

You can pick up all the products during a limited pre-sale on June 12 at UrbanDecay.com; it officially launches June 30. Take a look at the gallery to see swatches of each product, and let us know in the comments which is your favorite!

Naked Heat Palette + Vice Lipstick and 24/7 Glide-On Eye Pencil

The new Naked Heat palette ($54) is joined by complementary shades of Vice Lipstick ($17) and the 24/7 Glide-On Eye Pencil ($20).

The Palette Itself

Makeup Porn

12 New Shades

The 12 new shades include Dirty Talk, a metallic burnt red; Scorched, a deep red with micro-shimmer; and Low Blow, a brown matte.

Highlight/Base Shades

Ounce is an ivory shimmer, Chaser is a light nude matte, Sauced is a soft terra-cotta matte, Low Blow is a brown matte and Lumbre is a copper shimmer with gold pearl shift.

Transition Shades

He Devil is a burnt-red matte, Dirty Talk is a metallic burnt red, Scorched is a metallic deep red with gold micro-shimmer, and Cayenne is a deep terra-cotta matte.

Smokey Shades

En Fuego is a burgundy matte, Ashes is a deep reddish-brown matte, and Ember is a gorgeous deep metallic copper-burgundy.

Swatches

Ounce, Chaser, Sauced, Low Blow, Lumbre, He Devil, Dirty Talk, Scorched, Cayenne, En Fuego, Ashes, and Ember.

Vice Lipstick

Shades include Heat, Fuel, and Scorched.

The Bullets

Scorched is a metallized copper, Heat is a metallized burnt red-gold, and Fuel is a warm peachy nude cream.

Swatches

Fuel, Heat, and Scorched.

24/7 Glide-On Eye Pencil

Two shades complement the palette: Alkaline and Torch.

Swatches

Alkaline is a deep wine; Torch is a sienna shade.

The Whole Lot

 

E.l.f.’s New Versatile Lip Palettes Have Insanely Cool Transformative Powers

At any given time, beauty junkies can have between three and six lip products in our purses. We like to have options, and sometimes one color just doesn’t cut it. That’s why when we say the new E.l.f. Matte to Shimmer Lip Transformer Palette ($6), we fell deeply in love.

The new palettes come in four colors: berry, red, pink, and nude. Each palette includes four matte shades and one shimmery gloss to transform the finish of your lip color. Try putting the lightest shade in the center of your lip, with a darker color at the outer edges. Layer a gloss in the center, and admire your full, pouty lips. Instead of having to carry around those three lipsticks for touch-ups, you only have to remember to bring one small palette with you.

We can’t believe we can get four lip colors and a gloss for only $6, and we’re thrilled that these palettes will free up valuable real estate in our purses. Read on to see the smart palettes.

E.l.f. Matte to Shimmer Lip Transformer Palette in Nude

E.l.f. Matte to Shimmer Lip Transformer Palette in Nude Swatches

E.l.f. Matte to Shimmer Lip Transformer Palette in Pink

E.l.f. Matte to Shimmer Lip Transformer Palette in Pink Swatches

E.l.f. Matte to Shimmer Lip Transformer Palette in Red

E.l.f. Matte to Shimmer Lip Transformer Palette in Red Swatches

E.l.f. Matte to Shimmer Lip Transformer Palette in Berry

E.l.f. Matte to Shimmer Lip Transformer Palette in Berry Swatches

 

Here’s What Happened When I Got A Facial Every Week For a Month

 

In high school, my favorite place to hang out was my esthetician’s office. As bourgeois as it sounds, it was the one place other than my house where I felt loved and cared for. The estheticians at Southlake Clinical Aesthetics in Southlake, Texas, would shower me with compliments and let me tell them about my crush of the month — all while perfecting my skin. Because of my weekly facials, breakouts were manageable. Since graduating from high school, I’ve only gotten one facial… and became a beauty editor.

At 25, I’ve had more breakouts than I did at 15. My cheeks are constantly little zit-filled war zones. Last year, my dermatologist determined it wasn’t hormonal after I got my blood tested. Alas, I stuck to topical treatments and saw measly results. Our digital deputy editor, Sam Escobar, suggested I return to my high school routine and get one facial every week for a month. This may not be the most economically savvy route to clear skin, but I went for it. After a month, my skin had dramatically improved. Not only am I more confident than ever about the state of my skin, but I’ve also renewed my love for skin care.

Before I set off on my skin-care journey, this is what my skin looked like.

I got lip injections a couple of days prior, so pardon the super-cute bruising. As you can see, my left cheek has had better days — and thanks to the four spas I visited around Manhattan during the month of May, it finally has.

Week 1

The treatment: Fire and Ice at Haven ($205)

The fire part of the facial was a peel that smelled like a Yankee candle that I imagined would be called “Fall Harvest.” The esthetician informed me that it didn’t have anything autumnal like pumpkin in it, though. Instead, the peel was packed with glycolic acid. Because it was a medical-grade peel, my skin burned something fierce. To calm it down, that was followed by the ice part of the facial: a hyaluronic acid mask. As you may know, hyaluronic acid is deeply hydrating and locks in moisture.
Extractions were a major part of the facial, too. The esthetician poked and prodded at my face with her fingers. When I got my first tattoo, someone asked me what it felt like and the first thing I thought of was extractions. I was reminded of why I felt that way during this facial. I could have sworn needles were involved, but it was truly just her fingers pushing and squeezing my skin. Once she was done, she shamed me for picking my skin. I don’t blame her, though, because I know better. She recommended I apply Is Clinical’s Pro Heal Serum, which is formulated with vitamin C, to help reverse the damage my bad habit had caused.
After a couple of days, the breakout on my left cheek started smoothing out and I wasn’t feeling any sort of urge to pick at my skin. In fact, I hardly picked at my skin at all last month. I guess the shaming helped.

Week 2

The treatment: the 50 Minute Facial at Heyday Tribeca ($95)

My best friend, Brooke, always raves about Heyday, and now I fully understand the hype. It has an approachable, afforable Instagram aesthetic with kick-ass results. Also, they played R&B instead of waterfall noises. (Nature stresses me out, so listening to SZA is much more calming.) As the esthetician, Elizabeth, analyzed my skin, she kept referring to parts of my face as being congested, particularly my T-zone. To help combat this, she slathered my face with a peel infused with cherries, lactic acid, and salicylic acid. Together, they help to kill bacteria, slough away dead skin, and reduce inflammation.

Elizabeth also introduced me to the Image Skincare Ormedic Balancing Antioxidant Serum, which smells like an orange creamsicle pop, to calm inflammation and refine my pores. To help banish any remaining bacteria and fight the final stages of the breakout on my cheek, Elizabeth waved a wand from a high-frequency machine over my skin. It uses electrical currents to literally zap away zits.

The next day my skin was actually glowing — and it wasn’t because of my usual three layers of highlighter. It didn’t have an ounce of dullness and the inflammation on my cheek was starting to dissipate. For the first time in years, I only had to use a bit of concealer to even out my skin tone. That’s a major win in my book.

Week 3

The treatment: The Anja at Floating Lotus ($85)

By this time, getting a facial every week had started to feel like a chore. Sure I looked forward to laying down for a minimum of 45 minutes without staring at a screen while someone pampered my skin, but making the time to do so proved to be difficult. Alas, I got a quick 30-minute microdermabrasion session. When I walked in for my appointment, the aesthetician noted how clear my skin looked and didn’t even do a single extraction. Instead, she spent most of the time smoothing my skin and fading my post-breakout scarring with a microdermabrasion device. Honestly, it felt like I was getting my skin vacuumed.

A couple of pimples did pop up in the next few days, but I’m writing them off as a part of the purging process. Another skin concern that I haven’t mentioned is that I struggle with extreme oiliness. By noon, my face tends to form little pools of greasiness around my nostrils and on my chin. By week three, it dawned on me that I wasn’t worrying about blotting my skin during lunch break. It was finally starting to find an equilibrium. (Insert all the praise hand emojis here.)

Week 4

The treatment: the Champagne Couture Facial at Savor Spa ($225)

As someone who doesn’t drink alcohol, the allure — pun intended — of a Champagne Couture Facial was lost on me. But I wanted to go all in at the all-organic spa. The treatment combined two elements from the ones that came before it: a heavy-duty peel and microdermabrasion. Oh, yeah — and champagne. My esthetician, Alexis, used a cleanser spiked with the bubbly stuff as well as a truffle face cream and caviar eye cream. Indulgences aside, my favorite part was the peel. It burned oh, so good, and it gave me an epiphany:

At my final facial I started to realize that I had been neglecting a major part of my skin-care routine: exfoliating. I mistakenly thought you only needed to exfoliate when you had dry patches. I actually needed the peels and microdermabrasion to remove the dead cells that were congesting my skin, just as Elizabeth had said at Heyday.

With June in full swing, my skin-care routine is nothing like it was at the start of May. My glow used to be courtesy of highlighters. Lately, it’s all about brightening serums like Drunk Elephant’s C-Firma Day Serum. I take the time every morning and night to apply them, as well as cleansing, exfoliating, and toning my skin. I’ve even added an at-home peel to the mix: the Renée Rouleau Triple Berry Smoothing Peel. Also, I hardly have to wear any foundation or concealer. Instead, I use a bit of IPKN’s Moist & Firm Beauty Balm because it has SPF 45 in it. One or two facials would have been enough for me to come to this conclusion, but sticking to the routine of going once a week helped me get into better daily skin-care habits.

Amazing Artistic Tattoos That Cover Up Surgical Scars In A Creative Way

Life can bring you many challenges, and some experiences can leave scars. Not only emotional, but physical ones as well. Whatever you do, you cannot fix these scars, let alone erase them. Some people are ashamed of them, some embrace them.

The art of tattooing, however, is a wonderful way to take what’s happened and turn it into a more beautiful symbol of victory. People do this very often, they put a tattoo on the spot, and you can barely see that there was a scar there. Some also decide to do art out of their scar together with their tattoo. Who said you can’t make something fun out of an experience that made you grow?

1. Turn scars into flowers and forget about having a car in the first place.

2. This zipper tattoo looks so cool!

3. Nothing can stop you to look blossomed and beautiful.

4. A divided feather that speaks about this person’s experience. But also looks super artistic.

5. The cutest tattoo I’ve seen so far.

6. Making you smile.

7. The freedom of tattooing arts is just amazing.

8. Very creative and fun to look at.

9. Fits in perfectly.

10. For Star Wars fans, here is an idea.

11. Always feeling like a child.

12. Can this be even cuter?

13. Dark, but creative.

14. You can get inspiration anywhere!

15. Flowers are my favorite.

16. Just look at this.

17. The mermaid tattoo.

18. This one has a great message, too.

19. It’s more than just a tattoo.

20. It becomes a part of your identity. 

21. You can’t even tell.

22. You can also add some butterflies.

23. A reminder of appreciating life.

24. Absolutely adorable.

25. A piece of art.

 

 

You’ll Get Readdicted to Kylie Cosmetics After Seeing Her Vacation-Themed Line

Kylie Cosmetics just unveiled all the new makeup you need for the warm months ahead. Beauty mogul Kylie Jenner released a first look of her new Vacation Edition on Instagram and Snapchat, and the images are sure to get you ready to spend your next paycheck to get every single product.

While Kylie’s last release included three new fruit-inspired Lip Kit shades, this one has so much more. The collection includes a plethora of products encased in tan, bronze, and gold packaging. The new shade selection includes an array of bronzes and peachy nudes, accented with some bold, bright hues.

The Take Me on Vacation Kyshadow Palette contains a whopping 16 shades and is decorated with bronze polka dots. The hues include a lot of cool browns and pinks but also a bold teal, canary yellow, and peachy pink. It comes with a large mirror and dual-sided brush, so you can apply it on the go.

If you’re obsessed with the Lip Kits, Kylie churned out four new Matte and four new Velvet Liquid Lipsticks in gorgeous sandy-peach shades titled Send Me Nudes. Gloss junkies will be over the moon for the two new metallic glosses in ultrashimmery gold and bronze shades. She also included a standout vibrant purple matte called June Bug, which we can’t look away from.

Are you a highlighter hoarder? This collection is for you. It includes three individual Ultra Glow highlighters and two palettes. Kylie unveiled a pressed powder palette called The Wet Set, featuring four cool-toned light brown and taupe shades. The colors are really unique shades you’re unlikely to already have in your collection and can be used as eye shadow or highlighter. Lastly, Kylie showed off the Skinny Dip Face Duo, a highlighter and bronzer palette.

The entire line will launch this Thursday, June 15, at 3 p.m. PT. There are so many new products it makes our head spin, but we’re hoping to test out them all before they sell out. Read on to see all of the products.

Take Me On Vacation kyshadow palette #VacationEdition #June15

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4 New Nudes Matte Vs Velvet #VacationEdition #June15

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We can't wait for this Thursday 😍 the #VacationEdition collection is dropping sooooon! June 15th at 3pm pst ..

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The Wet Set #VacationEdition #June15

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There Was A Packaging Flaw In The Kim x Kylie Lip Kit That No One Noticed

The internet freaked the hell out when Kim Kardashian and little sister Kylie Jenner announced they had created a line of liquid lipsticks together.

The launch was a massive success, but apparently, something went terribly wrong in the development stage — and no one had any idea.

In the most recent episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” Kim revealed she had to make a hard decision regarding the lipstick set.

According to her, 1.4 million lipstick applicator tops had been produced in the wrong color.

And when given the option to have them remade, Kim decided to be eco-friendly and keep the mis-colored packaging as it was.

The production error meant many of the caps didn’t match the lipstick tubes.

And that means many of the lip sets received by customers have lipstick with two different color applicator caps. In fact, the one Revelist purchased appears to have three incorrectly colored caps and one cap with the correct coloring.

But the different between the right and wrong cap colors is so minuscule, it would have been a waste of effort and resources to re-produce them.

So although Kim thought the decision was hard, we know the choice she made was easily the best one.

We hadn’t even noticed the flaw until now, anyway.

Here’s Your First Up-Close Look At Kat Von D’s Saint + Sinner Eyeshadow Palette

Kat Von D’s upcoming eyeshadow palette Saint + Sinner has been a talking point in the beauty world for quite some time. We’ve seen the shade names, teasers, and numerous blurry images, but it just hasn’t been enough.

Now, we have some high-quality images to pore over until release day.

BEHOLD: The first up-close, official look at Kat Von D’s Saint + Sinner eyeshadow palette.

These images come straight from a press day for Sephora Singapore, where Kat Von D Beauty’s entire holiday range was revealed.

The Saint + Sinner palette joins Everlasting Lip Liner and a few Everlasting Liquid Lipstick sets in Singapore’s holiday range.

Usually, international releases follow domestic releases after weeks or months. Maybe this means US shoppers will have their hands on the palette come fall?

And thanks to these images, we can confirm the names align with the layout draft Kat previously shared.

Saint:
Absolution, Worship, Immaculate, Chalice, Sacred Heart, Amen, Sanctuary, Heaven, Crucifix, Cathedral, Rosary, Baptism (cream/off-white).

Sinner:
Rapture, Sabbath, Ashes, Martyr, Devil, Revelations, Vestament, Ministry, Exodus, Exorcism, Relic, Stigmata.

But we STILL don’t have word on its price or on the release date yet.

Now that we’ve seen it in all its high-quality glory, though, we won’t stop until it’s in our hands.

We’re begging you Kat. Like, really, it’s not cute.

Katy Perry Apologizes For Making “Several Mistakes” With Cultural Appropriation

Katy Perry participated in a three-day live stream event on YouTube over the weekend, talking feminism, Taylor Swift, and her exs’s performance in bed. On Saturday, she switched it up and sat down with Black Lives Matter activist DeRay Mckesson to (finally) address past accusations of cultural appropriation. (It also aired on his popular podcast, Pod Save The People.) Perry responded to all of Mckesson’s questions, but the Internet is mixed on her answers.
Perry started by addressing her video for “This Is How We Do,” in which she wears cornrows and eats watermelon. She explains that she didn’t see the problem until a friend took her aside and explained it to her.

“She told me about the power in black women’s hair and how beautiful it is and the struggle,” she said.”I listened and I heard and I didn’t know. I won’t ever understand some of those things because of who I am. I will never understand, but I can educate myself and that’s what I’m trying to do along the way.”
According to News.com.au Perry later admitted: “I have lots of white privilege.”
Perry also addressed her geisha-inspired performance at the 2013 American Music Awards. “I didn’t know that I did it wrong until I heard people saying that I did it wrong,” she said. “It takes someone to say, out of compassion, out of love, ‘Hey, this is what the origin is.'”

This compassion, she says, is what she hears and understands, not “clap backs.”

“It’s hard to hear those clap backs sometimes,” she explains. “Your ego just wants to turn from them.”

Twitter went wild over this interview. Some praised Perry for “learning” but others felt she waited until after she made money off appropriating cultures. People also pointed out that she should have sat down with a woman of color — not a man.

We have a feeling this isn’t the end of the conversation.